There has been a lot of concern upon my mental health in the past few weeks, but a lot of it is gone, and I am, dare I say, better. I haven’t been depressed or have had suicidal thoughts in the past few days and I am expecting this to continue. I am not the same old Josh, I am a stronger, better Josh. This time, I will be indestructible.

There is a lot of difficulties with love in my life, and I am not so desperate for a girlfriend anymore. I have totally given up on that. It’s now time to concentrate on me, and what I have to do, such as: finding a job, preparing for college, thinking about moving out of my parents’ home, trying to publish my poetry, and understanding my own thoughts . I’m in more of a “go with the flow” style of life right now. I am quite relaxed. Being able to drive helps… a lot. I can get out of the house whenever I want, and it’s a lot more liberating.

Now it’s nothing more than up and above, the new Josh is here, love him or hate him.

I have been a lot in these past few months. I’ve been suicidal, damaged, heart broken, ripped apart in almost every way possible. Now, I feel like I have everything back together again. I feel better, and happy in my own skin once more. Yeah, being single sucks and all, but I have my license now and being with friends helps fill that empty void that is left in me. It will always be there, I just need to find ways to keep filling it, somehow. In this world, I am labelled so many things, but there is one true fact. I’m me.

First order of business is to clear the elephant in the room… Iris Bentley. I wish I had never broken up with her to be honest. I wish that we could be together again, because her and I had something. I treated her wrong, and I know it now, but I made my mistakes and I’ve learned from them, and I want to do it over again. If there was a do- over button in life, I would have pushed mine a long time ago. But, as Randy Pausch says, “We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.” And sometimes, hands need to be folded, the hard part is it’s like folding on pocket aces.

Not a lot of people like me, and that’s just fine. People can love me or hate me, I really don’t care anymore. Everyone else should not judge who I am or what I believe. People should not judge because I am a Christian, or because I listen to metal, or because I write poetry. I’m not here to please everyone possible, I’m here to live my life the way I want, and if I want to live it a certain way, people better stay out of my business.

On the same token, I give people the respect to live their lives the way that they want. I don’t force my beliefs on anyone, and if someone is/ was offended by what I have done, I’m sorry. I don’t live to bully people or make others feel bad.

I think the biggest question anyone can ask themselves is, “Am I comfortable in my own skin?” The answer varies for everyone for a multitude of different reasons, but for me, I feel like the answer is yes. There are some changes I would like to make, but overall, I love myself, not too much, I’m not narcissistic or anything, but I know that God has some amazing things in store for me. I believe that he is putting me through all of these trials to prepare me for something great that I will do in the future, and I am ready to serve in God’s army.

I am labelled many things, but the most important is, I’m me. I am who I am, whether people like me or not. I have been through things that no one would dare go through. I’ve been through my lowest, and my highest. There are things that I’m not too proud of, and there are things that I love talking about. “You cannot change the cards you are dealt, just how you play the hand,” and now, I’m changing my game.

I feel completely lonely. It seems like no one wants to hang out, and I’m literally trapped inside of my home. I feel isolation every day, and it’s driving me insane. No one seems to like me anymore, or just enough to keep small conversation. No one wants to hang out, no one talks to me. Why do I have to always be the one to initiate things? I invited 30 + people to my grad party, not even five bothered showing up, I had a fourth of july party, only a couple people decided to show up. What the hell is wrong with everyone? What did I do to insult you all? seriously, I feel like I pissed off everyone I know and they don’t want to talk to me.

Also I feel unloved, and I’m not talking about family love, that’s different, and that doesn’t count. All of my exes now hate me, and every girl I’ve ever liked has shot me down when I asked or confessed my feelings. I’m better as a friend? How in the hell is that fair? What is it? Am I not attractive enough? I am depressed almost 24/7 and I hate it. If I die tomorrow, I feel like no one would come to my funeral. I also feel like I’ll be alone forever. Don’t give me the bullshit “ms. Right is out there, just wait..” because I’m fucking tired of waiting. I found ms. Right a long time ago, and she decided to be selfish. I’m sick of being alone.

I have a few really good lines, but I am too lazy to write a full poem at the moment, so I am going to write a mini- poem for your viewing pleasure…

I’ll do what I know is right,

And if I should die tonight,

That would be just alright,

But I will continue to fight.

Hope you enjoyed!