There are also so many different types of love. The love you have for family is different from your girlfriend or boyfriend, which is also different from your regular friends, which can also be different from your pets… and the list goes on. Love can be on the surface or really deep. Love can be lust. Love is love, there is no other way to put it.

One question that I want to answer for myself is why, when I don’t have a girlfriend, do I feel so depressed? Why do I feel so horrible if I don’t feel that form of love, and why do I let myself get into bad relationships so easily? Is this just hormones of an eighteen year old, or is this something deeper rooted? If anyone can answer these questions, please stand up.

‘Nuff said

-JR

Can’t you see I’m sore?

Can you see me through the glass?

Or will you bow your head and quickly pass?

I don’t know what to do,

Can you say it’s true?

The fact that you see me,

In a way that I never wanted it to be,

And now I’m stuck here,

A prisoner of the fear,

Summer doesn’t know me anymore,

Leaving winter, freezing to the core,

Leave me in a pool of my own blood,

And leave me to wait for the cleansing flood,

But I can’t stand living in this shell,

Set in stone, my personal hell,

The picture frame tomb stone,

Marked my name, dying alone,

And if that is my fate,

Then here I will wait,

As I watch the flames burn high,

In my city, the ashes fly,

And all I can do is watch in horror,

As my city is flattened in the final hour,

~~

Walking around as a question,

Wearing my heart on my sleeve,

Waiting for an answer,

The light is there but I can’t see,

I just waste away,

Waiting in this darkened place,

Wishing someone would stay,

But I only see another darkened face,

Forever bounded by rope,

Chasing the dragon’s tail,

Holding onto nonexistent hope,

Until my eyes turn pale,

The demons calling me closer,

The noose awaits me swinging,

But I’m pulled straight back,

By the Sirens’ sweet singing,

Living only through my scars,

My reflection through broken glass,

Walking the Earth like a ghost,

People look down and pass,

A broken sense of self,

I would die for anyone,

Even if they leave me on the shelf,

What have I become?

Girls can have sleepovers and its fine, but if guys have sleepovers, it’s considered gay,

If a guy is wearing pink, let alone bright colors, he’s gay,

If a guy’s hair is styled a certain way, he’s gay,

If a guy doesn’t have/want a girlfriend, he’s gay,

If someone supports gay rights, he’s also gay,

If a guy listens to a certain type of music, he’s gay,

If a guy’s voice sounds a certain way, he’s gay,

If a guy works in a women’s store, he’s probably gay,

If a guy watches certain TV shows, he’s gay,

If a guy reads a certain genre of books, he’s gay,

Most of these things are statements that seem like idiocy, but that’s how many people think. This over generalization in America has lead to what is now a massive hysteria called homophobia. Men who are homosexual are hated on and for what reason? It seems like people in this world just need something to hate because they are different. This is not the first time that people have been hated upon because they are different, but it will definitely not be the last. It just isn’t about guys, though. There are stereotypical assumptions about homosexual women as well.

If a woman dresses a certain way, she is gay,

If a woman styles her hair a certain way, she is gay,

If a woman doesn’t like men, she is gay,

the list goes on… there might be less than men, but women also receive discrimination about being homosexual. Here is my plea to everyone… people are people, no matter what color, race, creed, religion, sexual orientation, style, size, shape, no matter what may come, people are people. Humanity goes back to the very first two, Adam and Eve, so in some way, we are all related to one another. So if you hate against someone, you are hating against your own blood. Isn’t it time we quit hating and started loving? I am not trying to say that I’m better than anyone, I am struggling with this as well, but I am damn sure making the effort to stop my prejudices.

Hate for differences is directly linked to causing war and crime. Why are we in the Middle East? Why did the attack in September eleventh, 2001 take place in the first place? it’s all because of hate. So if you have to hate someone, then hate everyone equally. Otherwise, love your brothers and sisters, because one day, that kid you bullied in school may be your boss.

‘Nuff said.

-Josh

It is said that life is man’s most brutal teacher. Its lessons are sometimes easy, sometimes impossible, pop quizzes are given almost daily, no one ever gets an A in the class, we never know our grade, we are tested constantly, (not to mention that it kills off all the students in the end.) Many people base life on whether we pass or fail. Life is not a pass of fail class, we are in the class from our first to our last breaths. Life is not a role or a destination of where we end up in ten, twenty, thirty years… it is a journey.

Life’s journey can be summed up in one word, hard. Life is not easy for anyone, certain people have certain problems, and others have other problems. Our short seventy to eighty years in life is to test us and prepare us. First to test us to follow God, second, to prepare us for where we are going, heaven or hell. It says in the bible (even though I can not find the correct passage) that we should not despair in our suffering, but rejoice, because suffering is Jesus working in our lives. Suffering means that Jesus is trying to speak to you and draw you closer to him.

Every breath, I’m learning something. Whether I know it or not, there is always something learned. It can be important or superfluous, big or small, but we’re always learning. If God is trying to teach you something, then listen.

I don’t really know why I started, but I did, and it’s my fault. I could take the easy path and just continue smoking, but that makes me an epic disappointment. I’ve disappointed my father, my brother, and my friends. It’s not even controversial. It’s proven that smoking leads to lung failure, cancer, and a whole mess of health problems.

I don’t like doing it, and I’m trying to quit. The easy path would be to continue, but I’ve always been one to ignore the easy path, good or bad. Just wish me luck and pray for me as I struggle with this demon…

There is a lot of difficulties with love in my life, and I am not so desperate for a girlfriend anymore. I have totally given up on that. It’s now time to concentrate on me, and what I have to do, such as: finding a job, preparing for college, thinking about moving out of my parents’ home, trying to publish my poetry, and understanding my own thoughts . I’m in more of a “go with the flow” style of life right now. I am quite relaxed. Being able to drive helps… a lot. I can get out of the house whenever I want, and it’s a lot more liberating.

Now it’s nothing more than up and above, the new Josh is here, love him or hate him.

First order of business is to clear the elephant in the room… Iris Bentley. I wish I had never broken up with her to be honest. I wish that we could be together again, because her and I had something. I treated her wrong, and I know it now, but I made my mistakes and I’ve learned from them, and I want to do it over again. If there was a do- over button in life, I would have pushed mine a long time ago. But, as Randy Pausch says, “We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.” And sometimes, hands need to be folded, the hard part is it’s like folding on pocket aces.

Not a lot of people like me, and that’s just fine. People can love me or hate me, I really don’t care anymore. Everyone else should not judge who I am or what I believe. People should not judge because I am a Christian, or because I listen to metal, or because I write poetry. I’m not here to please everyone possible, I’m here to live my life the way I want, and if I want to live it a certain way, people better stay out of my business.

On the same token, I give people the respect to live their lives the way that they want. I don’t force my beliefs on anyone, and if someone is/ was offended by what I have done, I’m sorry. I don’t live to bully people or make others feel bad.

I think the biggest question anyone can ask themselves is, “Am I comfortable in my own skin?” The answer varies for everyone for a multitude of different reasons, but for me, I feel like the answer is yes. There are some changes I would like to make, but overall, I love myself, not too much, I’m not narcissistic or anything, but I know that God has some amazing things in store for me. I believe that he is putting me through all of these trials to prepare me for something great that I will do in the future, and I am ready to serve in God’s army.

I am labelled many things, but the most important is, I’m me. I am who I am, whether people like me or not. I have been through things that no one would dare go through. I’ve been through my lowest, and my highest. There are things that I’m not too proud of, and there are things that I love talking about. “You cannot change the cards you are dealt, just how you play the hand,” and now, I’m changing my game.