Online relationships… They are, to me, obviously relationships that start online, either in a chat r0om or on a page such as E- Harmony or any of those sites. I have been in many confusing, complicated, online flings, but only two real relationships started online.There are definitely some interesting people you meet online… my poison is a little chat application called “Whoshere” on the I- pod.    I ask myself constantly, is it worth it? especially with longer- distance relationships such as the one I’m in now. Sometimes, it is difficult to stay faithful, but I try my best. my girl and I see each other very rarely, but we do our best to make things work. From a neutral point of view, I look at these online relationships and I ask myself, are these the key to finding true love,?

Statistics show that one in five relationships start online now, and the trend is growing. I have a few insights into why, being one of these one- in- five myself.

1. There is less nervousness when you talk to someone online. I don’t really know why, but I feel a lot less nervous meeting someone online rather than in person, and very candidly, I actually prefer meeting someone online first. I feel that appearance has to be the major factor

2. You can know a little about the person before you talk to him or her. On the chat application that I use, there are ares where the person can type out information about themselves. This makes it a little easier to pick someone who shares the same interests, and it’s a little easier to keep conversations going. In person, you really have to pry out information on people, but it’s sometimes displayed on the clothes they wear. I’ve been in many awkward pauses because the person and I had nothing in common.

3. People tend to be more of themselves online. In today’s society, we hide our true selves in fear of being judged. Online, we tend to ease up on our fortifications and our true selves come out. It simply makes it easier to understand someone.

4. You can’t read facial emotions online. This can either be really good or really bad depending on the conversation, but whereas in person, someone can read your facial expressions, online you can’t. This makes it easier to convince people of things, or even lie.

5. If you don’t want to talk to someone, you can ignore or “block” them. there are many, many people online who are either looking for only sex or to belittle people, these people, called “creepers” can be really annoying, even sometimes psychologically damaging when it turns into cyber bullying. Fortunately, in the cyber world, there is a little button called “ignore” or “block.” when activated, that person can not talk to you, sometimes, they don’t appear online anymore. We can’t “block” people in real life.

It seems easier to meet people online than in person, but in a relationship, you will eventually want to meet them. From experience, the process of going from knowing someone online to them being an actual physical human being is a bit.. awkward. I tend to get very nervous and conservative in my actions out of fear of making a bad first in- person impression. Something seems different in person and online. Conversations are different, moods are actually felt instead of estimated, and you don’t have your handy emoticons or text- speak at your disposal.  After the relationship get time to grow though, it changes, and become more personal, more based on when you get to see each other next rather than the small talk online.

It is hard for me to handle long- distance relationships. A yearning grows in me just to be with them as much as I can, which is really hurtful. Relationships are built on trust, and trust is harder than ever in long- distance relationships. I heard a quote from one of my friends a while ago. “Being in a relationship means giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to.” This is ever more true for long- distance.

Another part of most relationships is sex. In my mind, sex is the most pleasurable act there is. It releases, I believe, ten times more endorphins  than a dose of heroine, and it become really addictive. This is probably the worst part of most online long distance relationships. After you have sex, there is a bond there, something that is unbreakable. Sex, in my mind, is the ultimate confession of love, and you can figure out why. This is not true for all relationships, though. There are plenty of relationships where they are waiting until marriage, which is perfectly normal.

One of the perks of a long- distance relationship is that eventually, you can cut the person from you life completely. This is always the hardest part of letting go is getting your heart back. It is a little easier, in my mind, if they are far away. My first girlfriend is rather close, and I see her once in a while, which is rather scary because I don’t know what her or her parents would do. If you’re in a long distance relationship, chance are that you will never see each other again.

There are a lot of perks about meeting someone online, but there are also downs. For example, when you need your girl/boy the most, chances are that they won’t be able to see you. If you get put in the hospital or something, you want your girl/boy to be there. this also goes the other way, when my girl was put in the hospital, I would have given anything to get over there to be with her.

Another down is not being able to see each other often, if at all. My girl and i see each other only every couple of weeks, which really sucks. And really, when she is over, all we really want to do is cuddle and be close to each other. It gets really hard, and when we don’t see each other, we really miss each other. Our conversations degenerate to “I love you” and “I miss you” half the time. It’s even worse for me, because of certain “gifts” I can become addicted to peoples’ presence, but that’s another blog for another day.

In conclusion, online relationships are a growing phenomenon. They’re also, however, a double- edged sword. They have their perks, but they also have their downfalls. So to answer the question, “are online- relationship sites the key to finding “the one?”" I would have to say, yes!

Picture a gun. When a gun fires, the bullet is going so fast that the naked eye can not see it. The bullet rarely misses its target. Every gun, no matter how big or small, is deadly. When one is faced with something like a gun, a response triggers. Psychologists have named this response the “fight or flight” response. You can either try to run away, or face the gun head- on. Either way, there is a great chance that you will die, but, depending on which response you choose, you can increase your chance to survive. With a gun, if you run from the assailant, you give them the power, giving them a greater chance of hitting you. If you charge them head on, you can startle or intimidate them, making them respond slightly slower. The decision between these two responses can mean either life or death.

Now picture Life’s problems as this gun. No matter what happens, when life’s problems, whatever they may be, hit you, they are fatal. Life’s problems will always affect you and will keep on affecting you until your dying day. Your response to these problems, however, may greatly affect the outcome of the short term and long term. You can either choose to run from your problems or take them head on.

Running from your problems shows weakness. Running shows that you are a weakened soul and life can easily get the best of you. There is a wide range of styles of running from your problems, that includes doing nothing. Running looks like someone trying to escape and numb the pain by doing self- destructive behavior like smoking or drinking. Running is simply watching as the world around you burns and wanting to do nothing about it. Running is giving up. Running from your problems will come back to haunt you. You can not out run a bullet. No matter what you do, you will get hit.

Taking your problems head on shows strength and character. Taking your problems shows that you are willing to do anything to survive. Taking on your problems is not letting life take you down, no matter how broken, beat, or scarred you are. Taking on your problems is being able to refrain from choosing to practice self destructive behaviors like smoking and drinking, because you know that they will just come back and bite you in the ass later in life. Taking your problems head on is never giving up. Taking on your problems is sometimes talking to people, and getting their help to hold you up when you need it. Sometimes, when you take your problems head on, you can win, and you will not die.

The gun is now pointed in your face. Life’s problems are facing you. You only have one chance. You can either run away or charge head on. What will you do?

“The whole world is my enemy – and I’m a walking target
Two times the devil with all the significance
Dragged and raped for the love of a mob
I can’t stay – because I can’t be stopped
Eat motherfuckers alive who cross us
I know you’re all tired of the same ol’ bosses
Let me tell you how it’s gonna be
I’m gonna kill anyone who steps up in front of me”

This is the opening verse from the song “I Am Hated” by the band Slipknot. Some of the words I live by. I’m going to face the music. I deal with assholes all day at school, then come home to siblings that are obnoxious and driving me to the point of insanity, then my parents come home, and that’s a totally different story. Life right now is dull. I don’t drive, so I can not go anywhere, I don’t have a job, so I don’t have money, and I keep very few friends. One big light in my life is my amazing, beautiful, great girlfriend Iris, who is a light in my life, and a big one.

This dull, boring life leaves me with a generally low opinion of everything. The world, others, and myself. I feel like I’m the only one that’s right, or an outcast. This provides a problem. The problem is that I generally feel hopeless, about everything. I feel like I have no future, and that I will never be able to achieve my goals that I want to achieve. My goals aren’t one- in- a- million, movie goals. My two main goals are to raise a family and become a teacher. This mindset that I have buried myself in will prove to be monumental brick walls that I have to tear down.

First, I want to explain what this is NOT. I am not trying to start a huge spiritual or cultural movement. However, as cool as that would be, the two main reasons for me posting it on my website are as follows: 1. So that I may look back at it and keep a journal on my growth and progress, and 2. If I am successful, maybe then I can inspire someone to do the same. Also, this is not at all religious. No outside force is making me/ influencing me to change, this is all me. Plus, God gave us free will to do what we wish, and this is my free will.

I am taking this problem psychologically and philosophically. I am doing some major introspection and personal study. I am looking deep into my soul and transforming the broken ground that is there into a road of happiness. It’s time to grow up, mature, and change into the man that I want to be.

Here are my eight steps to change:

1. Change my thoughts of myself.

- “We can not change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.” This was said my one of my all time favorite people: Randy Pausch. We can not change the world around us, just how we act. Unfortunately, in real life, we can’t fold. But before I can change anything, I have to change myself. I have to change what I think of myself, and my low opinion. I stare at the mirror, wondering if anyone can truly like me, and yes, they can. Iris has said that I am the “perfect guy,” which almost brought tears to my eyes. I have never had someone be that nice to me. This is partially due to the fact that I let almost no one in. I put up a strong mask; a strong outer appearance of myself as an ill- tempered bad ass kid that no one wants to deal with. On the inside, I cry for my loneliness. Half the time, I feel so alone in life that I have had suicidal thoughts, and thoughts that if I died, no one would care. People do care, whether or not they show it. It is a major human emotion that people care, even if they hate me. No one wants to hear of a suicide. I need to hold myself high as the “perfect guy” and remind myself that I do have friends, and that I am not an idiot, and that I am my most important person.

2. Change my mental/ emotional health

- The world is a jungle, with predator/ prey mentality. If you’re weak, you will be hunted. Each day I deal with unbelievable amounts of stress, heartache, pain, etc. I need to find a release. I have to deal with it. People are inconsiderate and think that they’re the greatest at everything, and that everyone else should bow down to them. I keep bottling up, and bottling up and eventually, I’m going to explode. There is no telling what’s going to happen if I do. I can’t allow myself to explode, because there is too much at stake. I need to find a good, positive release for my everyday stress and that should improve my overall mood, because I will no longer be angry.

3. Change my physical health

-I don’t fully understand it, but there is a direct link between physical health and overall mood. It doesn’t mean that I have to change totally and be a fitness freak and all of that, but it does mean that I should start to eat right, and drink plenty of water. Also, I need to eat breakfast. That will break my stage of fasting, and I won’t be grumpy because I am hungry and tired. I need to eat right, and lose a little weight, probably gain some muscle. I will feel good about myself, which will improve my overall mood.

4. Set up Clear goals for myself

-In life, there are so many variables and things beyond our control, it scares me. I have no idea where I will be in five years, ten years, or twenty years. I could be dead for all I know. All I can do is hope. There is one thing, however, that I can control, and that is what I strive for. I have two big goals in life. I want to raise a family and teach English. Those goals are far from what most people want, but that seems to me as just a generally good life. I couldn’t care where I live, how rich or how poor I am, or anything of the like. As long as I have people that love me, and clothes on my back, and a roof over my head, and good health, I am happy. How could I ask for anything more?

5. Change my view of people

-People can be jerks, we all know this, but everyone has a bad side and a good side. Other people, in my view, are the main cause for all of the stress that I deal with. I don’t know how, but I need to find a way to accept, if not respect the differences between myself and someone else. No two people are alike, and I need to accept that, I can’t change other people, but I can change myself. Even if this means turning the other cheek to even my enemies if they disrespect me.

6. Lay old conflicts to rest.

-This might be one of the hardest ones. I need to accept who I am, and that means not leaving conflicts open. These could damage my reputation, appearance, or other things in my future. I can not afford to leave conflicts out in the air. It is immature and irresponsible. I always have problems with conflict. I am going through a big one right now. This will also improve my mood, because I will not need to worry.

7. Change my view of the world.

- I view the world as hopeless. I have no hope for my future, because I know that we’re all screwed. Look at the condition of the American economy, the government, etc. It seems that America is quickly spiraling down and has no hope. If I can change this, maybe it will give me some hope for myself as well as the world. There are going to be people that are going to be the next JFK, or the next FDR, that are going to fix the problems at hand (people which I have dubbed the heroes of another day.) Will I be one of those heroes? no telling, but there is still hope. “The night is darkest just before the dawn.”- old proverb

8.Uphold these changes.

-This will also be one of the hardest. I am so used to acting the way that I do, that I just might not be able to at all. On the other hand, maybe the results will be so major and instant that I will love the change. There is no telling what will happen, but I need to keep true to the change in myself if I want true personal growth and improvement. It will not be easy, it will not be promised, and it certainly will not be overnight. This is something that I will work on for weeks, months, maybe even years, but this is something that I not only want to do, but need to do. It’s time for me to grow up, it’s time for me to be an adult, and deal with my demons at hand. I will fall, and I will fail, but I will not give up. I will not give up because I have the human fortitude, something that is unbreakable.

So, I’m looking down the road, I’m crouched, waiting for the gun to fire, and the road ahead is long, winding, and blurry. It will not be easy, and it will not be promised. All I know is that I need to try. If this change improves me, then I will come out with the gold. This is a winner- take- all race. It’s time to grow up. It’s time to change.

(I Fear) The Future

–

If I fear anything,

It is the future,

The uncertainty,

The unknown,

Where will I be,

10 years from now?

Every step I take,

Every breath I breathe,
could be my last,

Could it all end,

My work not yet done?

Where will I go,

When the soul leaves the body?

Does the soul die?

If life is a road,

Then I’m driving blind,

Without control of the steering wheel,

Will I make it out?

Or will I crash and burn?

Will someday all of me revealed,

And by all betrayed?

If I fear anything,

It is the future,