I’m finally co ming out of the dark cocoon that I’ve seemed to wrap myself in. I’m growing and learning every day on my path to manhood. Honestly, I still don’t think I’m ready to be a man yet, I’m still learning. A contradiction strikes me, as I remember a quote by Michaelangelo. It is said that on his death bed, in his late 80’s, he said “I am still learning.”  This leads me to believe that we never stop learning. We all think that after college the learning stops, but that is wrong. We learn every second of our lives.

It is said that life is man’s most brutal teacher. Its lessons are sometimes easy, sometimes impossible, pop quizzes are given almost daily, no one ever gets an A in the class, we never know our grade, we are tested constantly, (not to mention that it kills off all the students in the end.) Many people base life on whether we pass or fail. Life is not a pass of fail class, we are in the class from our first to our last breaths. Life is not a role or a destination of where we end up in ten, twenty, thirty years… it is a journey.

Life’s journey can be summed up in one word, hard. Life is not easy for anyone, certain people have certain problems, and others have other problems. Our short seventy to eighty years in life is to test us and prepare us. First to test us to follow God, second, to prepare us for where we are going, heaven or hell. It says in the bible (even though I can not find the correct passage) that we should not despair in our suffering, but rejoice, because suffering is Jesus working in our lives. Suffering means that Jesus is trying to speak to you and draw you closer to him.

Every breath, I’m learning something. Whether I know it or not, there is always something learned. It can be important or superfluous, big or small, but we’re always learning. If God is trying to teach you something, then listen.

Everyday when I wake up in the morning, I ask myself, “who am I? what is my purpose on this Earth?” It seems that my existence is a mere fleck on the timeline. I have an average life, there is nothing special about me. I’m not ultra good looking, or a master of something, I’m average. I am a speck upon a speck upon a speck. I have a girlfriend that I rarely see, and both of my exes hate me.

So I am now asking God, what is my purpose? why am I suffering through so much hardship? Is my life going to be another average life, or will I do something extraordinary?

I hope I find my purpose in life soon, because I need something to hold onto.

So I’ve been wanting to get a tattoo, as all badasses do. I’m tossing around a few ideas, and I have decided on one that is a must- get.

The tattoo would be on my back. It would be an eagle in flight, wings at full span. In one talon, he is carrying a cross, and in the other, the American flag. And in the top of the wings, would be my two favorite bible passages (which two, I haven’t decided yet.)

The eagle represents freedom. Both the fact that I’m free by the constitution, and also free as a thinker. The flag and the cross in the talons represent what I hold dear: My faith and my country. And then in the wingspan, my two favorite bible passages represent the word of God on which I can soar, or maybe put Isiah 40:31 (those who follow the LORD shall mount up with wings as eagles).

If anyone is willing to draw this out for free (seeing as I do not have money), I would really be appreciative.

A lot has happened since I last posted. The elephant in the room, however, is that I lost the love of my life, the one girl who I felt was my true soulmate. I went even deeper into my depression, wanting to kill myself. I knew that this wasn’t good, so I desperately reached out for help. It seemed as if the struggle between school, work, a past relationship, and family just exploded in my face. The explosion, ignited by the relationship, really caused me to break down, and take a look at myself. Who I am, what I’ve become, who I want to be, all of these were carefully looked into. I’ve always prided myself on being able to easily handle any problem that was thrown my way, and it seemed like God had to knock me down a few pegs, so he did. God sent me these challenges for a purpose, and that was, in my view, to bring me closer to Him.

I have had depression and suicidal thoughts for four years, pretty much when high school started. I was in a different world, just a small fish in a sea of sharks, and there was blood in the water. It wasn’t the students out for blood though… It was the teachers. One in particular. Mrs McHalpine, algebra nine teacher. She hated me. Most of the kids in her class were the hard workers, I, however, was a slacker. I rarely did my homework, and didn’t really pay attention in class. I did, however, manage to get the school work done, and pass all of my tests and quizzes. She hated that, and she hated me. She tried so hard to fail me, but I passed by the skin on my teeth.

At that time, certain “changes” occured in my body. I began maturing, and noticing girls… not for their cooties, but for their features. One, especially caught my eye. I felt the need to acquire a girlfriend. So I tried, and failed, multiple times. I also was in wrestling at this time. I was a horrible wrestler, I didn’t win one match my freshmen year, but I kept coming back for more and more punishment. Wrestling made me feel alive, for the first time.

Time went on and I started doing better in school, and I started winning in wrestling matches, I had a few friends, and I had a happier life. Something seemed to be missing, though. Like there was an open pit that I could not fill. I remembered that i did not have a girlfriend. All of my other friends were getting theirs, but I was not. How unfair. Surely enough I was a good guy and all, but no one ever really wanted to date me. I had plenty of female friends, but that’s all they were… friends. That’s the first time I’ve really felt hopeless.

At this time, my brother and sister were growing up, enough to be a nuisance, and they quickly learned how to get under my skin. They were good at it.

That summer I had finally found what I was looking for… a girlfriend. Ker and I had known each other for practically our entire lives, and it just felt right. When the relationship started, pure bliss, but about a year later, I learned her true colors. I tried to break up with her, multiple times, and she wouldn’t let me. I found someone else that I had feelings for, and the unthinkable happened. I cheated on her. I used this as ammunition to break up with her finally, and it worked.

My Junior year, I quit wrestling, one of my three regrets.   I quit for three reasons: To find a job, to leave the assholes on the team, and because my ankle and knees got bad. I’ve regretted it to this day. I’ve prided myself on never giving up, and I gave up.

After I had broken up with my first girlfriend, me and my second girlfriend took off like a rocket. Everything was bliss as it should be. I felt deeply and madly in love with her. We even got to the point of talking about marriage and children. I fell for her, hard. A problem arose, though. I fell so hard for her that I completely feared losing her, which made me paranoid and obsessive. The very way I was trying to protect her became my downfall. The relationship started to go south, and I tried hard to save it, but it was as if she was trying to break up with me. The smoking gun, however, was when she wanted to go to prom with her ex. I made her chose between him and me, she chose him. I was devastated. I lost the love of my life. I became severely depressed and suicidal. I tried perhaps three times. It was over. The best thing that ever happened to me was gone. I still tear up to this day writing about it. Another of my three regrets. I lost a part of myself when that happened, a part that I think I’ll never get back. I went into therapy  for it. To this day, I still am horribly attached to her, though I wish I wasn’t.

That brings us to today. All of these events have shaped me to be the person that I am today, and as I write this, I am constantly re-evaluating, checking myself to be who I am, whoever that is. All of these events made me look back on myself. My past failures turn into experience and lessons. Life is the best, but hardest teacher. You will never stop learning until your last breath.

The first lesson is love. Never fall for someone so deep that you depend on them to make you happy. That’s what happened to me, and I wound up getting screwed. Love is something that one can not describe. Love is so complex that it is beyond our own understanding. Never give someone too much of yourself, because you’ll get screwed in the return. Love someone for who they are, and try to deal with what they become, because people change. People always change, we can not control that, but we can control what we do with who they become. Iris became someone that I hated. she always treated me like shit, and then rubbed my face in it, trying to twist it to appear as my fault.

Second lesson is when things get too complicated, or go too far south, cut your losses and get out. This is different from giving up. Randy Pausch said “We can not change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.” Some times this means you have to fold.There are no more benefits, so cut your losses and get out. Nothing more is there for you to gain.

Third lesson is never bottle up your emotions. Picture, if you will, a balloon. Every time you bottle something up, that balloon gets another breath of air put inside it. That balloon will become fuller and fuller until eventually it explodes. An explosion is never good for anyone.

The last lesson (that I can think of) that i have learned is that you’re never alone. There are always people out there willing to help. I got so bad that people became concerned about me. Even if there is no one there. There is still one being that loves you and will bring comfort to your soul. that being is GOD. God is always there for you, and will never forsake you. If you are going through a hard time, that is God trying to pull you closer to him.

Through all of the doubts, wars, and things that have happened, through all of the regret in my life, there is one thing that I will never lose. That is myself. I may seem to become hurt, even beside myself, but I will never give up. I have too much to live for.

“I can’t understand this mess, I am more than this, I am more than worthless.” -Drowning Pool, “More than Worthless”

(I Fear) The Future

–

If I fear anything,

It is the future,

The uncertainty,

The unknown,

Where will I be,

10 years from now?

Every step I take,

Every breath I breathe,
could be my last,

Could it all end,

My work not yet done?

Where will I go,

When the soul leaves the body?

Does the soul die?

If life is a road,

Then I’m driving blind,

Without control of the steering wheel,

Will I make it out?

Or will I crash and burn?

Will someday all of me revealed,

And by all betrayed?

If I fear anything,

It is the future,

    Money. We want it, we need it, we earn it, we save it, and we spend it, (something that I do very well.)Money is the very backbone of any government.  In fact, we are so in love with money, we even can mke it fancy and colorful. Money, metaphorically speaking, makes the world go ’round. Some people even worship money. But can oney hear you when you speak to it? Can money forgive you when you sin? Can money save you from eternal damnation? Your ticket to hell is free. The answer is no. Money can not hear you, forgive you, or save you.

    Money is one of the biggest things that keeps us away from God. We, as a society, have become more dependant on money than we are dependant on God. Part of the problem is that nothing is free, and everything, a some point or another, cost somebody money. We need money to survive. We need money to buy food, clothing, water, and shelter. Even the Bible cost somebody money along the way. Money is such a presence in our lives, it’s pounded into our minds so much, it makes it seem like we can’t depend on God. But we should remember, God can do anything. He wouldn’t let us starve, or go without water, or be battered by the elements. Look at Jesus. Jesus was 100% comletely dependant on god. God gave Jesus food, water, clothing, and shelter. Jesus lived fine. I honestly don’t think that God and money get along very well, do you?

    Now don’t read this wrong. Just because you are rich, it doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love you. I don’t want to recieve any nasty emails proclaiming that I said “Just because I’m rich, it means that God hats me.” We are created in God’s image. We are God’s prized masterpiece. I honestly don’t know of any artist that hates his prized masterpiece. Does Da Vinci hate his Mona Lisa? Does Michelangelo hate his statue of David? I think not. God doesn’t hate anybody. The only thing that God hates is sin. No mater who we are, where we are, or what we do, God will always love us. If you are indeed rich, then you might ask “so what should I do with my money that would be pleasing to God?” The best thing that I can think of is use it for the church and charities. Think about it, do you really need that solid gold, nuclear powered toilet, or does the homeless child just down the street need a meal that he hasn’t had in the past week? Do you really need that HDTV that’s as big as the wall you’re putting it on, or does the church need some new bibles and somgboks? Are you selfishly gong to waste your money on things that aren’t going to count for squat in Heaven? Or are you going to spend it on things that count? Like helping out the homeless child, or like buying new bibles for the church? If you have expendable income, use it as Jesus would have used it.

What if we are poor? Well, when you’re poor, you hav no money. When we are poor, depending on how poor, we suffer, don’t we? So Why would God want us to suffer? especially if we are his masterpiece and he indeed loves us so? There are two reasons. Reason one is that God provides us with only our basic needs. We need four things to survive. We need food, water, shelter, and clothing. Look at Jesus. He didn’t have an iPod touch or a cell phone or any of that durring his lifetime. He only used what he needed. Reason two is found in Romans chapter eight, verses sixten and seventeen. It says “The spirit himsef testifies that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs- heirs of God and co- heirs of Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.(NIV)” We suffer to be closer to Christ. We suffer so that we can share in Christ’s glory. That glory is our sins being washed away by the blood of the redeemer so that we may enter Heaven. We al sufferin many different ways. Not only financially, but physically and emotionally as well as other ways. But money, physical appearance, and emotional status don’t matter in the realm of God. When we feel hate twoards someone, we must remember that God stil loves them. When we are not the best looking guy on the block, God Still loves us. Wether we are poor as dirt or richer than Donald Trump, God stil loves us. We need to identify the places where we suffer, and thank God for those sufferings, because we are closer to Christ through them.

    In conclusion, we as a people are obsessed with money, but money makes us lose sight of God. We need to depend on God more than w do money. When we have money, use it as Christ would have used it. When we don’t, take that opportunity to suffer because it is bringing you closer to Christ. Remember Romans 8:16-17. Take a few moments and be still in prayer. Prey that God help you break your addiction to money, and you depend on God rather than money.