Love, that one four letter word that is the double- edged blade for humanity in its entirety. I’ve been in love and have lost love. Everyone has been there. Love is so confusing and complex that the human brain can not comprehend the term. What makes us fall in love? What makes us want someone more than anyone else in the world? I feel that these questions are near impossible to answer. Love is a demon with burning, passionate eyes that will draw you in like a siren and then when it gets the very chance, it will rip your heart out and show it to you. Love is the strongest yet most misunderstood emotion, if it can be classified as an emotion, but I feel that it is so much more than just an emotion.

There are also so many different types of love. The love you have for family is different from your girlfriend or boyfriend, which is also different from your regular friends, which can also be different from your pets… and the list goes on. Love can be on the surface or really deep. Love can be lust. Love is love, there is no other way to put it.

One question that I want to answer for myself is why, when I don’t have a girlfriend, do I feel so depressed? Why do I feel so horrible if I don’t feel that form of love, and why do I let myself get into bad relationships so easily? Is this just hormones of an eighteen year old, or is this something deeper rooted? If anyone can answer these questions, please stand up.

‘Nuff said

-JR

The Loneliness is coming back. It’s just that feeling of not having a girlfriend. Someone to cuddle with, someone to confide in, someone to believe in. I don’t know if this comes from a self- loathing or it’s isolation. I feel disconnected from my friends and family. No one really makes me happy anymore. In short, being single sucks.

Happiness, love, and success are not destinations, but they are journeys. Picture this; We are all automobiles on the road of life. All of us go a certain way. We all take certain exits, on ramps, back roads, but everyone is on a road. The problem is that we don’t know where we are going. All of these roads end up at only one destination: death. Everything else is a journey. On these journeys we learn. We learn from our first breath until the day we die. Sometimes we slip up, pop our tires, blow up, or otherwise wreck, but we have our friends, other cars on the same roads, to pull us back out of the ditch.

I started smoking. It’s a dirty, nasty habit that’s directly or indirectly taken tons of lives. I’ve tried to quit, and that didn’t work out too well. I got rid of my pack, and come the next morning I felt awful and before I knew it, I was at CVS buying another pack. I’m addicted to it now, and I’m mentally weak, and it’s tougher to quit for me.

I don’t really know why I started, but I did, and it’s my fault. I could take the easy path and just continue smoking, but that makes me an epic disappointment. I’ve disappointed my father, my brother, and my friends. It’s not even controversial. It’s proven that smoking leads to lung failure, cancer, and a whole mess of health problems.

I don’t like doing it, and I’m trying to quit. The easy path would be to continue, but I’ve always been one to ignore the easy path, good or bad. Just wish me luck and pray for me as I struggle with this demon…

There has been a lot of concern upon my mental health in the past few weeks, but a lot of it is gone, and I am, dare I say, better. I haven’t been depressed or have had suicidal thoughts in the past few days and I am expecting this to continue. I am not the same old Josh, I am a stronger, better Josh. This time, I will be indestructible.

There is a lot of difficulties with love in my life, and I am not so desperate for a girlfriend anymore. I have totally given up on that. It’s now time to concentrate on me, and what I have to do, such as: finding a job, preparing for college, thinking about moving out of my parents’ home, trying to publish my poetry, and understanding my own thoughts . I’m in more of a “go with the flow” style of life right now. I am quite relaxed. Being able to drive helps… a lot. I can get out of the house whenever I want, and it’s a lot more liberating.

Now it’s nothing more than up and above, the new Josh is here, love him or hate him.

Cutting the Grass

~~

The sun’s beating down on my back,

I fight off the heat’s deadly attack,

I march forward into the untamed wild,

Weeds overgrown, walls defiled,

Scythe in hand, I start to fight,

The overgrown weeds to meet their blight,

The fight is long, the day is hot,

I battle hard what Mother Nature wrought,

The sweat rolling from my brow,

I know I must win somehow,

From my scythe the weeds fall like rain,

The heat of the sun does my energy drain,

The day is done and my work finished,

The sweat pouring and my energy diminished,

But it seems my work is in vain,

For in one week, I must fight the weeds again.

Poor Bleeding Me

~~

Poor bleeding me,

Bleeding with no sense of apathy,

Poor bleeding me,

Bleeding there’s no one to rescue me,

The day is dark, The night is clear,

Nothing to love, everything to fear,

Darkness falling over,

It just got colder,

Living only through my scars,

I can never see where you are,

Forever doomed to forever fight,

Put me in my grave tonight,

Pooe bleeding me,

Bleeding with no sense of apathy,

Poor bleeding me,

Bleeding, there’s no one to rescue me,

Existence is just a lie,

Not made to live, just made to die,

My eyes close shut as my veins turn cold,

I failed searching for seas of gold,

Your memory keeps me alive,

But to the grave, I slowly drive,

Poor bleeding me,

Bleeding with no sense of apathy,

Poor bleeding me,

Bleeding there’s no one to rescue me,

The day is done, the night has come,

I don’t know what I’m running from,

Poor bleeding me is bleeding out,

Apathy and friends without,

I’ve fought the fight; I’ve lost the fight,

I rest my head in my grave tonight,

Poor bleeding me,

Bleeding with no sense of apathy,

Poor bleeding me,

Bleeding there’s no one to rescue me,

Poor bleeding me,

Bleeding me!

Dear Iris,

I don’t really know how to tell you this, our romance is over. I think I realized it the night you picked your nose at the mental hospital and I saw you drive over the elephant in the corner. I’m sure you’re sexy enough to understand that I get turned on only by garbage men. I’m returning the couch cushions to you, and your left ear as a memory. You should also know that I will haunt you when I am reincarnated as an Eskimo. Please Don’t hurt me.

-Josh Robbins

Here’s how you do it:

Dear (person you last talked to),
I don’t really know how to tell you this,(1). I think I realized it (2)(3) and I saw you (4)(5). I’m sure you’re (6) enough to understand (7). I’m returning (8) to you, and (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).
(12),
(Your name)

Then tag 10 people.

1) What’s the color of your shirt?
Blue – I’m in love with your cat
Red – Our affair is over
White – I’m joining the Convent
Black -Our romance is over
Green- Our socks don’t match
Grey – You’re a leprechaun
Yellow – I’m selling myself for candy
Pink – Your nostrils are insulting
Brown – The mafia wants you
No shirt – Purple hedgehogs want to destroy you
Other -I dislike your eyelashes

2) Which is your birth month?
January – That night you picked your nose
February -When I quoted Forest Gump
March – When your dwarf bit me
April – When I tripped on peanut butter
May – When I finally changed my underwear
June – When you put cuffs on me
July – When I saw the purple monkey
August – When you smacked my ass
September – Last year when you peed your pants
October – When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
November – When your dog humped my leg
December – When i threw out your sock drawer

3) Which food do you prefer?
Tacos – In your apartment
Chicken- In your car
Pasta – Outside of your office
Hamburgers – Under the bus
Salad – As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Lasagna – In your closet
Kebab – With Jean Chrétien
Seafood – In a clown suit
Sandwiches – At the Elton John concert
Pizza – At the mental hospital
Hot dog – Under a street light
Other – With George Bush and Stephen Harper

4) What’s the color of your socks?
Yellow – Ignore
Red – Put whipped cream on
Black – Hit on
Blue – Knock out
Purple – Pour syrup on
White – Carve your initials into
Grey – Pull the clothes off
Brown – bite off
Orange – Castrate
Pink – Pull the pants off of
Barefoot – Sit on
Other – Drive over

5) What’s the color of your underwear?
Black – My boyfriend
White – My father
Grey – The Catholic Priest
Brown – The Montreal Canadian’s goalie
Purple – My corned beef hash
Red – My knee caps
Blue – My salt-beef bucket
Yellow – My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange – My Blink 182 cd
Pink – Your ‘My Little Pony’ collection
Other –The elephant in the corner

6) What do you prefer to watch on TV?
One Tree Hill – Senile
Heroes- Frostbitten
Lost – High
Simpsons- Cowardly
The news – Scarred
American Idol – Masochistic
Family Guy – Open
Top Model – Middle-class
Annat -shamed
Other-sexy

7) Your mood right now?
Happy – How awful you are
Sad – How boring you are
Bored – That I get turned on only by garbage men
Angry – That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed – That we’re related
Excited – That I may pee my pants
Nervous – The middle-east is planning their revenge on you
Worried – That your Ford sucks
Apathetic – That you need a sex-change
Silly – That I’m allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly – That Santa doesn’t exist
Ashamed – That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid
Other – That your driving sucks

What’s the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White – Your toe ring
Yellow – Your love letters to me
Red – The pictures from Vegas
Black – Your pet rock
Blue – The couch cushions
Green – Your car
Orange – Your false teeth
Brown – Your nose hair clippers
Grey – Our matching snoopy underwear
Purple – Your old New Kids on the Block blanket
Pink – The cut toenails
Other – Your Hannah Montana underwear

9) The first letter of your first name?
A/B – My virginity
C/D – Your photo with the mustache drawn on it
E/F – Your neighbors dog
G/H – The oil tank from your car
I/J – Your left ear
K/L – The results of that blood-sample
M/N – Your glass eye
O/P – My common sense
Q/R – Your mom
S/T – Your collection of butterflies
U/V – Your criminal record
W/X – Your sucide note
Y/Z – Your credit cards

10) The last letter in your last name?
A/B – Love your sweet, sweet ass
C/D – Always will remember the pep talks
E/F -Never will forget that night
G/H – Will not tell the authorites that you stole the whale from the backyard.
I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L – Hate your cooking
M/N – Told in my confession today about the moose poaching
O/P – Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
Q/R – Get sick when I think of your feet
S/T – Always wanted to break your legs
U/V – Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X – Haven’t showered in a month
Y/Z – am better off without you

11) What do you prefer to drink?
Wine- Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink – I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon
Soda – I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo
Milk – The apartment building is on fire
Water – I’m scratching my butt as you read this
Cider– I have a passionate interest for mice
Juice – You ruined my attempts at another world war.
Snapple/Vitamin water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked out
Hot chocolate – Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird
Whiskey – I love Oprah Winfrey
Beer – Thanks for the Cocaine
Other – you should stop picking your nose

12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand – Warm tingly sensations
Australia – Greetings to your frog Leonard
France – Love always
Spain – With tears of sadness
China – You make me sick
Germany – Please don’t hurt me
Japan – Go milk a cow
Greece – Your everlasting enemy
USA – Best of luck on the sex change
Egypt – Kiss my butt
England – Go drown yourself

After thinking until about three in the morning last night, I have finally figured out who I am. Now, I can sit here and list personality traits, likes, dislikes, and all that, but that’s not what I’m after. I am after my true inner self. In my opinion, the true inner self is what someone stands for. I stand for my own self benefit. The most import person in my life is me, because that’s who I can rely on. No one else is going to save me from my biggest enemy. Myself. I also am the most important person because I want to be the best that I can be, at everything.

Another thing that I stand for is my moral code. My moral code is 8 simple rules that I try to follow every day.

1. I am the most important person in my life.

2. Everything that I do should benefit me in some way

3. Always allow people in my life.

4. Always care for everyone

5. The code of respect / the golden rule: Treat others that way I want to be treated, and vice versa.

6.  Omerta: Never criminalize people, don’t be a stool pigeon

7. Live for the mind, not the body

8. dedicate myself to making myself better.

It’s been about a week since I last saw Iris, and I really miss her. She is a light in my life, and I really need to see her again. We’re not broken up or anything, but we’re going through a situation, and her mom has banned me from seeing her. I think that it’s unfair, and it’s just plain cruel. The worst thing about it, though, is that I can’t do anything about it. I want to just see her smile again. I want to be in her arms, and hold her. I currently have no life other than her, and the thing that makes me happy is being ripped away from my arms. I hope this passes, really soon.